Built on the Rock

Co-hosts Fr. Britto Berchmans and Sandy Labouvie refect on their conversation last month with Eric and Megan Weber.

Co-hosts Fr. Britto Berchmans and Sandy Labouvie spend time talking with Eric and Megan Weber about how their faith impacts their relationship.

In this show we are interviewing Larry and Cheryl Kaufman, a golden couple. They just celebrated fifty years of married life last year. With half a century of lived experience, they certainly have some wisdom to pass on to our listeners.

As we unpacked our wonderful interview with Dan Pietroske and Maggie McQuaid, we discovered that the one dominant theme in their marriage has been their "total commitment." Starting their married life in their 40's, they faced unique challenges which they faced with openness, readiness to listen to each other, and growing up. They were able to overcome these challenges because of their strong foundation in the Catholic faith.

For this month's show we interviewed Dan and Maggie who are not your typical couple. They married when they were a little older with unique challenges. On account of their deep faith in the Lord and their own willingness to be flexible, they have grown in their marriage union. Their healthy union bears testimony to the fact that our God is a God of second chances.

In our last show we interviewed Dan and Trish Buelow who have been married for over 35 years. Having met as teenagers, they have consistently built their marriage on strong family ties, respect for each other and their willingness to listen to the other. They have not been huge planners. They trusted more in Divine Providence than in their own plans. In their parenting, they have insisted on following discipline and resisting the voices from the outside.

Co-hosts Fr. Britto Berchmans and Sandy Labouvie interviewed Trish and Dan Buelow during the show. Married for over thirty five years, the couple has much wisdom to share. Through the ups and downs of their married life, they have maintained a strong sense of their Catholic Faith.

Hosts Fr. Britto Berchmans and Sandy Labouvie unpack their interview with Bill and Ileene-Marie Mooney

We interviewed Bill and Ileene-Marie Mooney during the show. Married for over thirty years, the couple has much wisdom to share. Through the ups and downs of their married life, they have maintained a strong sense of their Catholic Faith which bolstered them especially in stormy times.

If there is one thing that stands out in Dave and Karen Groppel's marriage, it is intentionality. They do everything deliberately: their couple time, their date night and also their parenting. They make their marriage their top priority by investing time and effort on their relationship.

This month we interviewed David and Karen Groppel from the Twin Cities, MN, who have four children. As devout Catholics, they make their Faith the foundation of their marriage and family, and truly build their marriage of the Rock. They offered us some interesting insights which we will discuss in our next show.

Co-hosts Fr. Britto Berchmans and Sandy Labouvie unpack their previous interview with guests Bob and Patti Nowak.

Thanks to technology, we have started to interview couples again. On this show we meet Bob and Patti Nowak who offer us some interesting insights into marriage. They give a unique perspective as their marriage is a fruitful one, blessing many in the community. In our next show we will present the wonderful lessons we learned from their interview.

Several months ago we interviewed Joe and Elisabeth McCormick who come from very different backgrounds. Their story reminds us that God can intertwine our lives even though we come from distant lands or differing cultures. In His eyes these differences do not matter. If Faith unites us, all other differences melt away. Just like this couple, we can help each other grow in our faith.

Because of COVID, we have not been able to interview a couple for several months. How delighted we were to have a couple join us once again on our show. In this interview, we meet Elisabeth Korsmeier and Joe McCormick whose journeys brought them to each other despite their differences, both culturally and otherwise. Their vibrant faith and involvement in the Catholic church is the foundation upon which their union is built. Enjoy the show, and please have yourselves a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Be born in us, O Lord.

Even for many well-intentioned Catholics, it is easy to be seduced by our secular culture which promotes a culture of death more than a culture of life. In today's show, we are joined by Mary Jo DiRe and Cecilia Klein, two very active women in Respect Life ministry. With their great insights, we delve into ways that families can promote a culture of life consistent with the authentic teaching of the church, instilling in their children a foundational respect for all life.

Joe and Siobhan Haugh are a lovely couple that we interviewed back in February, just as news of the virus spreading throughout China was hitting the world. Similar to our current pandemic, our interview with the Haughs also taught us that ultimately, we are not in control. The greater flexibility we can have in the plans we make, the more successful we can be in our relationships. While Joe and Sibohan recognized the need in their busy lives to prioritize finding time to be together, their involvement in their parish and communities also highlighted the mutual benefits that flow from having a positive impact on more than just one another.

In recent months, we have found ourselves living through an unfamilair reality that seems to have settled in far longer than any of us could ever have expected. In this episode, Fr. Britto and Sandra encourage listeners to be intentional about employing some of the positive lessons learnt during this difficult time. Rather than focusing on returning to what we once were, let us return to what we should have been all along.

For this month's show, we interviewed Joe and Siobhan Haugh, a couple that is highly involved not only in parenting but also in their parish and school communities. They have managed to juggle all of these commitments by sharing responsibilities, holding common interests, and resorting to a sense of humor when challenges present themselves.

We have had many rich conversations on our shows over this past year with some wonderful couples. Today's show focuses on three important topics that resonate with the three persons of the Holy Family. First, we need to approach marriage as a vocation that God is calling us to and, like Mary, we must maintain a humble posture of prayer to hear and be obedient to that call. Secondly, it is important that we prepare ourselves for that calling by denying our natural human instincts, much like Joseph whose fidelity to Mary prepared him for the call to be her husband and the foster father of Jesus. Finally, we must invite the Lord into our relationships in order to fully live the life God intends for us. May you feel the presence of the Christ child and the Holy Family in a special way this Christmas and throughout the new year.

The ability to laugh together is important in healthy relationships. We have seen this theme consistently woven into the conversations we've had with our couples. There are countless benefits to approaching life from a position of humility and trying not to take ourselves too seriously. Infusing positive humor into our everyday interactions is a skill that can right-size many of the frustrations we are faced with in life.

The topic of humor is one that consistently comes up with our couples. They repeatedly stress the importance of keeping a sense of humor in their relationships. We would like to dedicate next month's show to unpacking this further. To help kick that discussion off, we are replaying our 2013 interview with Paul and Chris Minaszian who spoke on this very topic of not taking yourselves too seriously.

Drawing upon the insights offered by Dale and Martina in our last interview, we emphasize how marriage ought to be viewed as a vocation from God and therefore, it calls for adequate preparation. Within such a perspective, God holds the dominant place in the life of the couple and their family. Getting ready for marriage is not about finding the right person, but rather, being open to the person God has chosen for us while preparing ourselves to live a life of holiness in and through the vocation of marriage.

Today's show reunited Fr. Britto and Sandy with Dale and Martina Schieman, whom they met while attending the University together. Time has proven that their love that began to bloom as young college students has flourished into a mature and holy union. Narrating their story, they emphasized how they have viewed their marriage as a vocation from God.

Reflecting on our interview with Bart and Jackie Bartosz, we were reminded that the early years of marriage are a period of adjustment. Rather than being a source of division, little annoyances can become occasions to deny oneself out of love for the other. More substantial challenges, such as the cultural differences between Bart and Jackie, can be overcome when there is honest and open communication. Such differences can even enhance the relationship when approached with open minds. When both people can learn to laugh together, life can become more joyful.

The first years of marriage can be challenging as two individuals who led independent lives attempt to merge and become one. In this show, we interviewed Bart and Jackie Bartosz who have been married for one and a half years. Their flexibility, sense of humor, and love for each other helped to make the transition smoother.

Continuing our discussion around the insights garnered from our interview with Bob and Mary Ploen, we offer several important lessons for our listeners. First, we emphasize the importance of faith in marriage and relationships. Second, we discuss the necessity of prayer and meditation not only for the nurturing of our faith but also for the strengthening of our bonds. Finally, we encourage all of us to recognize the miracles in our lives just as Mary and Bob did in theirs.

In today's episode, we begin to unpack our interview with Bob and Mary Ploen, specifically focussing on their respect for life demonstrated through their challenging pregnancy with triplets. Our discussion reflects upon the unwavering teachings of the Catholic church on life issues. Keeping in mind our eternal perspective, we provide some suggestions for what we can do as people who are pro-life.

This show ushered in the return of our original cohost, Sandra Labouvie, who brings a unique female perspective to our discussions. Returning to our original format of drawing upon real-life experiences of couples, we interviewed Bob and Mary Ploen who have been married for twenty-six years. Their unique marital journey faced unexpected challenges early on when they became pregnant with triplets. They are convinced that it was the visible hand of God that got them through.

In this episode, we announced that the co-host, Deacon Bob Bulger, will be stepping away from the show to begin his retirement. The rest of this show then involved a retrospective review of what Fr Britto and Deacon Bob had learned about marriage and relationships over the course of their 60 shows together. We talked about the family as giving meaning and purpose to 69% of the respondents to a Pew Research Study. We talked about marriage being a countercultural movement in the face of rising cohabitation rates and decreasing marriage rates. We reflected that love involves taking a risk, surrendering oneself for the good of the other and the relationship. We recalled some of the guests we had interviewed and what they taught us. Finally Deacon Bob closed be reflecting that some of the greatest achievements parents recall occur when they are the most subservient to their families. The outcomes of our sacrifices are usually known in hindsight.

The time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day can be a time of fun, celebration and making memories. It can also be a time of stress, frustration and family squabbles. Nothing dampens the Christmas Spirit faster than a conflict with loved ones because of miscommunication and holiday pressures. Further, families need to insure to keep Christ in the Christmas Season. Toward that end, we presented three principles for keeping marriage relationships healthy during this time. Borrowing from the work of Dr. John Gottman we discussed (1) the idea of solving your solvable problems and discarding the unsolvable ones; (2) ways to overcome gridlock; and (3) creating shared meaning with rituals and traditions. Our hope is that all families could benefit from these suggestions and enjoy and happy and blessed Christmas season.

Research has shown that we spend almost half of our waking hours listening. The question then becomes “Listening to what?” There is so much noise clutter in our lives (some call it the “white noise” of our life) that we often miss the important messages that are being spoken to us. In this show we addressed the often overlooked virtue of “listening”. In the first segment we discuss the importance of, and challenge of, listening to God. We reminded the listeners of Psalm 46:11 “Be still and know that I am God”. In a later segment we talked about listening to our spouses and others. We presented some tips on better “active listening”. The goal for this show was to inspire us to actively listen to God and others and not be simply waiting for our turn to talk.

In this show, we continued our discussion of the Apostolic Exhortation “Rejoice and Be Glad”. In particular, we identified the Five Signs of Holiness that Pope Francis called “five great expressions of love for God and neighbor.” The first is being Grounded. Being solidly grounded in God gives us the inner strength to be a steady “witness of holiness”. The second sign of holiness is being Joyful. As someone once wrote “we must be joyful, otherwise why should anyone believe us.” Joy is the natural result of total trust and reliance on God. The third sign of holiness is being Bold. Holiness can lead to boldness, “an impulse to evangelize and to leave a mark in this world.” We are called to proclaim that Christ is Lord with boldness, passion and fervor. Being Communal is the fourth sign. “Growth in holiness is a journey in community, side by side with others.” And being Prayerful is the fifth sign. Prayer is our conversation with the Lord with whom we have a personal relationship. These five disciplines will help us bring holiness to families that are “built on the rock.”

The stated purpose of our show is to strengthen the “domestic church”, which is Catholic family life. By building up relationships based on the teachings of Jesus Christ, we try to give witness to marriages that are “built on the rock.” In this episode we discussed the beautiful and thought provoking Apostolic Exhortation “Rejoice and Be Glad” by Pope Francis. We discussed how the Catholic faith is not so much about ideologies and rituals as it is about entering into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. Further, we discussed the difference between piety and holiness. False piety is about ourselves, true piety leads us closer to God. We also examined two false forms of holiness: Gnosticism and Pelagianism. We concluded with a discussion of Pope Francis’ five signs of holiness: Being Grounded, Being Joyful, Being Bold, Being Communal and Being Prayerful. We hope that this program serves as a small call to holiness. As Pope Francis has written: “We are called to be holy by living our lives with love and by bearing witness in everything we do…”

In this episode, we discussed the research of Eli Finkel as found in his book The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work. Finkel, the Director of the Northwestern University’s Relationships and Motivation Lab and one of the nation’s leading marriage researchers, has documented a current view that young adults have about the marriage relationship. Finkel has reported that “today, we expect our spouse not only to make us feel loved but also to be a kind of life coach.” Couples today want a spouse who will further their inner growth. Thus, today’s marriages are perceived as all-or-nothing: those that that succeed in meeting these expectations and those that fall short. The hosts contrasted this approach with the Christian ideal that believes that “the two become one.” The hosts reminded the audience that Jesus said “if you lose your life you will gain it.” Thus Christian marriage is surrendering to the good of the relationship. As St Thomas Aquinas described: “love is actively willing the good of the other as other” not a journey that depends on the other to make me the best version of myself. God, and love, do that.

For this show we welcomed Terri Schmidt, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker who maintains a private practice counseling couples through their relationship struggles. Terri brought a wealth of information about the risks inherent with on-line dating and social media type relationships. Terri identified these as “virtual relationships” as opposed to “real relationships”. Terri identified and explained such activities as “catfishing” and “ghosting”. She also explained such concepts as “fast love” versus “slow love” in building trustworthy relationships. Tips were given about how to stay safe in these social media situations and what to look for in a possible lasting relationship. It seems that seeking companionship and long term relationships has often devolved into consumerism and “date shopping”. This makes it so much harder to find the person that God has chosen for you.

The sacrament of marriage becomes real when the idealistic love the couples have for each other becomes tested and when they share in the sacrificial love of Jesus. Thus a successful marriage is not so much a matter of finding the right person but being the right person. With these ideas as a starting point, this episode explored the truths and tips in an article from the Catholic Update series called “10 Tips for Married Couples” by Susan Vogt. Although we did not cover all ten suggestions, we discussed the following topics: Be prepared for big challenges, Disagree without being disagreeable, Strive for similar values, Know your financial personality and Celebrate love not just sex. Ultimately, Catholic couples should strive to create a Marriage in the Lord. Couples are called together to seek God and, like Christ, lay down their lives for each other.

In this show, we continued our discussion of a very informative and useful book titled For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women written by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. In our respective experiences, we found the information contained in the book to be very helpful for married couples who want to strengthen their relationship with each other. In this episode we discussed primarily the issues of Security and Listening. The authors’ research has shown that women need emotional security and closeness so much that they will endure financial insecurity to get it. Relative to husbands listening to their wives with more effectiveness, the authors found that when a woman is sharing an emotional problem, her feelings and desires to be heard are more important than the problem itself. We feel that the information we shared in this show will help married couples continue to build their house on the rock that is Jesus Christ.

As we began the season of Advent, we reflected on what the Holy Family of Nazareth can teach us in the modern era. Through the incarnation, Jesus was born into and raised by a human family. What does the model of Jesus, Mary and Joseph offer those families who strive to build their relationships on the rock of our faith? We discussed that Jesus offers us a model of sacrifice and surrender. The idea is that love in the family involves actively willing the good of the other. Mary, the Blessed Mother, teaches us to prayerfully discern God’s will for us in our lives and always answer “Yes”. Behold, we are the servants of the Lord, be it done unto us according to your will. And from St Joseph we learn humility and humble service to family and loved ones. We may not be the Holy Family but we can be holier families with Jesus in our midst.

We have found in the past that good books on marriage help create good marriages. And so, in this episode we explored the insights from an informative and helpful book titled For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women written by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. Using both statistical research and large focus group studies, the authors have prepared a thoughtful presentation on specifically how women process their life events differently than men. Working from the position that “I Do” always means “Do You?” husbands must recognize that their wives need regular reassurance and persistent pursuit. We shared some of the secrets to “decoding” what women mean when they say or act in a certain way. In addition we examined the different perceptions that husbands and wives have about security. For example, men strive for and define themselves by financial security. Women crave emotional security. Oscar Wilde wrote: “Women are meant to be loved, not understood.” But we hope this episode helps husbands understand their wives a bit better.

In this episode we welcomed back Rev. Michael Bradley, Adjutant Judicial Vicar, and Susan Miller, Auditor for the Tribunal, from the Archdiocese of Chicago. We continued the dialogue about the purpose, process and misconceptions about the Declaration of Nullity (“annulment”). Many divorced Catholics receive false or misleading information about this process. The truth is that while the Catholic Church tries to safeguard marriage and not undermine it, there is still hope for those who, in particular, have experienced divorce but then discovered true love and fidelity in a second marriage. The Catholic Church has developed firm conditions (or “grounds”) for granting an annulment and some of these are discussed in the show. Importantly, it has been found that going through the process of annulment, regardless of the outcome, contributes to a healing that people need after undergoing the emotional experience of divorce.

The desire of every couple married in the Catholic Church is that they will experience a marriage that is permanent, faithful and productive. Unfortunately, not every marriage survives. Many Catholic marriages, like civil marriages, end in divorce. But a divorce decree does not remove someone from the Catholic Church nor does it eliminate the possibility of another marriage. In this episode, we explored the process of obtaining a Declaration of Nullity, or “annulment”. We shared the studio with Rev. Michael Bradley, Adjutant Judicial Vicar, and Susan Miller, Auditor for the Tribunal, from the Archdiocese of Chicago. Rev. Bradley and Ms Miller discussed all facets of the annulment process and provided hopeful path for those who are divorced and considering a second marriage.

In this episode Fr. Britto and Deacon Bob concluded their discussions of Dr John Gottman’s “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” The show began with some assumptions about marital conflict: (1) all marriages have some form of conflict, and (2) conflicts come in two forms – those that can be resolved and those that are perpetual (part of your lives forever). To address marital conflicts, Dr. Gottman’s final three principles were discussed. “Solve your solvable problems” requires identifying those problems that can be solved, learning to communicate with each other and practicing compromise. “Overcoming gridlock” involves the desire to move from gridlock to dialogue. Finally, “Creating shared meaning” involves creating an inner life together, a family culture that is rich with traditions and rituals. One of the most effective ways to do this is to become active members of a Christian faith community.

In a previous show, we introduced an important book on marriage relationships: “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. In that episode we discussed the first two principles: Enhance Your Love Maps and Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. In this episode, we presented and explored the next two principles developed by Dr Gottman. Principle Number Three is “Turn Toward Each Other instead of Away.” Marriage is fueled every time you let your spouse know that he/she is valued, especially during the grind of everyday life. Fr. Britto also explained the concept of couples making “bids” for their partner’s attention and how we can respond to those bids. Principle Number Four is “Let Your Partner Influence You.” Dr Gottman found that the happiest marriages were those where the husband treated his wife with respect and did not resist power sharing and decision making with her. We are seeing that all of these principles are rooted in a very Catholic teaching of extending honor, respect and dignity to each partner. The additional principles will be discussed in a future show.

In this show we conducted a fascinating interview with Dr. Claire Kamp Dusch, a Professor of Human Development and Family Science at The Ohio State University. Claire has done extensive research into interpersonal relationships and teaches a class in Family Development. We discussed three separate topics during the show. The first segment explored the current state of marriage. Claire’s research has shown that marriage is becoming a more select status in our culture and that couples expectations for what marriage will provide for them has gotten much higher. The second segment dealt with cohabitation and its effects on marriage and relationships. In the third segment we looked at the current process of dating and the progression from dating to courtship to marriage. We concluded with Claire explaining an interesting hypothesis about marriage expectations called the “suffocation hypothesis”.

This show was devoted to an initial discussion on the landmark book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. This material is based on extensive, objective research that Dr. Gottman has done into happy and successful marriages. Two foundational ideas support the seven principles. The first is that couples in a happy marriage have an “emotional intelligence”. The more that couples are in touch with emotions (theirs and their spouses) the better they can understand and get along with each other. The second is that happy marriages are based in a deep friendship that results in “positive sentiment override”, that is, a sense of positivity and optimism about their relationship. Finally listen as we discuss the first two principles for making marriage work: (1) Enhancing a couple’s “love maps” and (2) Nurturing a sense of fondness and admiration. The remaining principles will be discussed in subsequent shows.

In the previous show, in which we interviewed Tom and Mary Ann Collins, we heard some spiritual wisdom which gave clear insight into building a marriage relationship on Christ. In this show we explored in depth some of that wisdom. In the “busyness” of modern life and times, many parents neglect the importance of their role in passing on the faith. We recalled Tom’s story of the image of his father, a simple man of faith, helping to re-center Tom on the importance of Christ, not possessions, as the center of one’s life. Fr Britto shared the lasting effects of his parents’ faith on him and his siblings. We also highlighted the importance of embracing the Word of God in our lives by falling in love with Scripture. The Collins’ gave testimony to the significance of this as well. Finally, we discussed the importance of turning outward our love for Christ, toward a life of ministry and service to His Church. As Fr Britto indicated: “the more you share your faith with others, the more your faith grows within you.”

When couples commit to a marriage in the Lord on their wedding day, they entrust their relationship to the Holy Spirit. They promise to go where God leads them, confident that their love for God and each other will strengthen them for life’s journey. In this program we interviewed Tom and Mary Anne Collins, a couple who, after 30 years of marriage, have discerned a call to the Diaconate Formation Program. Listen to their story as they were transformed from a couple who attended Sunday Mass as an “obligation” to a couple who are answering a call to put their married life in the service of Christ and his Church. Learn how a Bible Study opportunity brought them to a deeper love of God and His sacred Word and inspired them to be evangelists who spread the Good News.

We believe that the Incarnation is God speaking to us in a language that we can understand. Creating healthy, lasting marriages involves couples speaking to each other in a language that they can understand. For this reason, this show centered on a discussion of the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. The theory of this Christian-centered book is that people tend to give love in the way that they prefer to receive love. In addition, Chapman believes that there are five universal ways that people express and interpret love. Listen as we speak about the five love languages and the need for couples to fill their emotional tanks by learning to speak the love language that best meets their need to love and be loved.

Thomas Merton once wrote “No man or woman gets into heaven by himself or herself. We bring others in with us, or we are brought in by others.” We believed this quote described the relationship between George and Suzanne Kirkland, whom we interviewed in our last show. In this episode we reviewed in depth the discussion we had with this Catholic married couple. By being open to the working of the Holy Spirit in their lives, Suzanne brought George into full communion with the Catholic Church and George brought Suzanne into a deeper relationship with Christ. Their relationship with Christ continues to strengthen their relationship with each other and with the Catholic community of their parish. Speaking in plain language, George commented “I get joy from making her happy.” What a perfect description of a marriage that is built on the rock of Jesus' teachings of self surrender.